oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
