I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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