I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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