it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
