I looked at my own cervix.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
