i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
