There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
