would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
