There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
