remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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