i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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