There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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