Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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