before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
