i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?