i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
