I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
high people should be assigned attendants
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
