I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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