you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
