They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
