don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
