I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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