The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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