Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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