Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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