census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
