Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
