yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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