Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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