I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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