Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
