am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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