I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
