I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
