Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
