come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
