Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
