I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
