Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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