rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
