He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
