don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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