Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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