the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
