Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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