I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
