YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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