Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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