Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
