I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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