the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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