I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
