How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
