Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
