Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my poor anus
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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