Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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