His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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