i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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