A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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