6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
