I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
