his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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